Yesterday was a phenomenal day. Three things stuck out.
I was given the go ahead to start leading sessions with the
kids which will combine Yoga and stress talks.
I got to read Franklin with a little girl. Franklin is
incidentally one of the first books I read obsessively when I was trying to
learn English. I still remember how great it felt when I found out I could take
boxes of Franklin, Little Bear, The Berenstein Bears, etc. home every single
day!
Last but certainly not least, I was asked to explain the
meaning and point of “erection” during a session on puberty. See, I AM making a
difference – one sexual function at a time!
All joking aside, this job is unreal. This life is unreal.
It’s getting harder and harder to put into words all that I’ve
experienced here. All that I have learned. The days are starting to blur together. It’s just...mega. And I appreciate
the hell out of it.
Some days are hard, most nights are hard. I go to bed every
single night feeling relaxed and okay, but invariably about half an hour into
trying to fall asleep, some rustle of the leaves outside or a creak in our very
creaky house will make me jolt and my heart palpitate. Having been warned many
times that break-ins are a fairly common feature in the village I am staying
in, it’s not easy to block that thought out. Especially when it’s pitch black
and the darkness is consuming me. I can’t describe what that feels like. Ben Howard's "The Fear" was one of my favourite songs before coming here. It has more meaning now than ever.
As with many aspects of life here, it’s next to impossible
to get across the feel and shape of this. I struggle with these blogs because
as much as I enjoy writing them, I know that a bunch of typed up pages don’t
really mean a hell of a lot to many other people. I remember reading others' blogs
about life here, and I had this ridiculously idealistic idea about what it
would all be like, partly because I think a lot of people think it’s best to
talk only about the positives – to make it look like everything is just as vividly
exciting as people want to hear. Although I knew the reality would be different
and much harder than I could imagine, it’s next to impossible to truly envision
it. I remember when I would read about various challenges in others’
blogs, I thought “No wait, aren’t they having the adventure of their life over
there?” It seemed incongruous to me that there would be substantial deterrents.
As illogical as that may be.
Sometimes I think to myself, what in the hell were you
thinking? You’re a white woman trying to be some kind of philanthropist in
Africa?! I’m sure I’ve already mentioned this but my roommates and I are pretty
much the only Caucasians in the village, so it’s fair to say we haven’t gone
unnoticed. We’ve also been told again and again that whiteness makes us more of
a target here. And many (not all) of the locals continue to express considerable hostility towards
us. So every night I struggle to resist the encroaching terror of wondering if
tonight’s the night something might happen.
Chances are, it most likely won’t. We’re in a “good area,”
we’ve got locks, and neighbors. I’ll be totally fine. Even if we did experience
a break in, it would probably just involve petty theft. The Batswana do not like violence. I can replace
everything I’ve got, and I’m sure I would get over it in time. I came here,
into foreign territory, and as I’ve said before…history precedes me. Shitty
things which have been done by people who share my skin tone understandably
negatively predispose many people towards me. Most of the time I don’t take it
personally, and the logic of the situation is comforting. But I must admit, my
demons still leave my mind perforated, and I’m weary of fighting them every
night with something as practically weak as logic. I do miss feeling safe.
To backtrack, the “African philanthropist” thing was just a
figure of speech. I sincerely did not come here for humanitarian reasons. I do
believe in what my NGO is doing, and I have utmost respect for the staff who do
this work voluntarily year in and year out. This however, is not my calling. I
came here primarily to learn. About myself, this work, work in general, this
culture, humanity, life.. everything and anything I could possibly extract.
And in that endeavor, I feel I have hit the BIGGEST JACKPOT
in coming here. A month in, this life feels almost normal.
That was inconceivable in my first week. Squishy, 20 person kombis, scorpions in the
hallway, the drinking water which used to make me want to vomit, spiders
watching me while I shower, language and cultural barriers, multitudes of fingers and arms pointing and
flailing in my direction, the shouting of “lekgoa” wherever I go. These are a few of the little things which now
barely faze me. It is undeniably increasingly draining to deal with racial
tension. I was not braced for the degree of hostility I would experience here,
and it is something that does get to you if you stay a little longer. But like
I said, I don’t take it personally, and it is yet another opportunity to learn.
Like everything else here, for me this is a transient unreality, no matter how
real it feels right now. For countless people around the world, it’s a
lifetime. I came to their territory. They don’t know what my motives are, and
if they’re anything like those of hoards
of white people who came before me, they rightfully don’t need or want that
kind of “help.”
Sometimes I question my being here at all. Can I really contribute
anything while I’m here? Is this just a totally selfish, self-aggrandizing, African
“experience” for me? I come for a bit, learn a whole lot for myself, accomplish
nothing, get the hell out? How does it make the kids feel, to build
relationships with these volunteers who just leave them after a few months, like
pretty much everyone else in their lives. I don’t usually think about it when I’m
interacting with the children, but almost every single one of the kids in our
program have been either abandoned or orphaned. Sometimes I wonder if my presence here does more harm than good.
But. The way they smile at me. The way that little girl
looked up into my face, so close, such big eyes, to see if she had correctly read
something to do with Franklin’s shenanigans. I don’t think she understood much
of what she was reading, but she read it. She got the pronunciation of his name
right after a few tries, and she learned what a bear is. I’m not prepared to
make deep attachments with these kids, that’s not why I came and I don’t
necessarily think that would be helpful. But I think that some aspects of my
time here will leave a lasting trace after I’m gone, not least of which will
manifest in the lessons I take with me. Helping them to learn how to read won’t
go to waste. Neither will the various sessions I help to teach. And frankly, I’m
super excited to teach them Yoga. As a program we’ve already run some sessions
and they seemed to love it! They didn’t want to stop! And it seemed as though
they really did relax. That’s what I love so much about Yoga, it’s absolutely
transcendental, and universal. No matter who you are, where you come from, or
what kind of body you have.. everyone can benefit and learn from it. It’s
amazing that Yoga has become something I can develop and productively use here.
My woooonderful roommate Shila, is basically a pro and she has been such a
blessing. We practice daily and it’s done amazing things for my body and for my
peace of mind. I’m generally a fit person, but the combination of daily cardio
(20 minute 40 degree power walk home), Yoga, and healthy cooking for myself, has
impacted me so much. I feel invigorated and strong, and it’s satisfying to see new lines of muscle form on my body.
Speaking of cooking, I found Tikka and Curry sauce in the
grocery store the other day! I nearly cried. I’m eating so well here! It’s nice
to control everything I eat and to be responsible for every single thing that
goes into my body. At home I eat a lot with my family..and while that’s easy,
delicious, and convenient, it’s gratifying to have to do it on my own, to pick
and control everything from what I eat to how and when I choose to prepare it.
Just in case it isn’t clear yet, some people have asked if I can explain again/in more detail the work that this NGO actually
does.
It’s highly multilayered; there isn’t just one thing that
goes on here. In fact, Stepping Stones is pretty unusual for an African NGO in
that you can basically start up any project here if you go through the right
channels and it fits in with the overarching agenda of the organization. Our main objective is to provide services to OVCs (orphaned and
vulnerable children). Around 70 kids come here after school, where we
facilitate fun activities like games and sports for them, let them catch up on
their studies, read with them, hold learning sessions on topics ranging from
HIV prevention, to nutrition, to emotional health, etc., and at the end of the
day they get a warm and healthy meal (the only one most of them receive in a
day). So that’s the work we do directly with the
kids. But caring for these OVCs entails so much more than what we do when they
are here. It involves outreach to the greater community to educate and work
with the society in fostering a healthier and safer space for the kids to grow
up in. All this is carried out with great respect and sensitivity to local culture
and custom. Many of our staff are locals who conduct home visits and run
workshops and various groups where the community comes together to discuss
experiences and issues which they work together to use in building a stronger
community.
For instance, Stepping Stones started a project called Men
Care. This is a program which gets men, especially fathers, talking about issues surrounding fatherhood. The men get together and share the things they
struggle with, the things they don’t understand, and the things they love about
being a dad. My roommate conducted interviews with them which I later helped
transcribe and holy shit! They were incredibly interesting. Many of the men
felt that this father’s group has taught them so much about being a responsible
father, and partner. In fact, this is a fantastic way to target gender
inequality because the men get an opportunity to learn about the various
challenges women face in dealing with pregnancy and motherhood, and so the
fathers develop an enhanced appreciation for the difficult journey women have
to go through, and the need to support them. Hell I wish my own father had
participated in a group like this before and/or after I was born. Some of the
interview questions dealt with disciplining children. It made me tear up to
hear some of the fathers' responses, such as: “It’s important to be kind to
your children, to teach and guide them in an non-aggressive way. To be there for
them.” Or another one: "It's okay for a mother to be a father and for a father to be a mother." I grew up afraid of my father, and longing for his often absent presence.
I know that in this society, much like in the one in Montenegro, many children
experience something similar. Even though this father’s group is a small sample
of the larger population here, it’s an amazing start. And I’m beyond thankful
to get to help with that.
Another thing SSI set up is the Aunties and Uncles Group. In
the interest of saving your time (haha as if I’ve shown any regard for that) I’ll
just say that incest and other forms of sexual abuse are a thing here, as they are in many parts of the world. And the
group is a group of responsible adults who meet and work together to maintain a
more vigilant presence in the community in order to help fight this horrendous
thing and to ensure that children don’t have to experience it. It’s a fantastic
way to get people talking about difficult and sensitive things, and to join
forces in battling it. I swear, some of this stuff has got to spread to Canada
and the rest of the world. I’m impressed!
Anyways, enough bragging about my NGO. I just wanted to
share a little bit about what this organization actually does, and to show that
some NGOs here really do have a robust and long-standing platform. I’m very
pleased and feel so lucky that I get to learn from and participate in a project
like this. Some of my days are largely unstructured, and I end up sitting
around a lot. This feels tortuous sometimes, especially for a person like me
who hates sitting down and needs to be productive. Everyone warned me about the
“different pace” of life and work in Africa, but for the first couple of weeks
I didn’t really register that because it felt SO good to not always be stressed
out or in a hurry to produce something concrete. As I got more used to the way
of life here, and as the inertia-inducing heat started to settle in, it continued to and still does frustrate me when I end up sitting
around doing next to nothing for large chunks of the day. But that’s part of
what is interesting about working here. You absolutely have to have immense
initiative and creativity to survive. No one is going to supervise me and tell
me I’m doing something wrong or not enough of it. No one is going to give me a
set project or expect a report of the results. It’s all up to me, and I can do
as little or as much as I want to.
This kind of freedom lends itself to a very relaxed
atmosphere in which I could easily do nothing all day if I so chose. I wouldn’t
be able to stand that of course, and as I get more and more informed about and
involved in the various operations here, this work feels increasingly
rewarding. I’m in the process of starting up my own big project which I’ll tell
you about if and when it takes off. So overall, although there is still
ambiguity and several other inevitable issues, I’m feeling a lot more at home
here and gratified to see how far I’ve come.
This is unconnected to anything else, but I'm squeezing it in because I want. I do not miss the stress and awkwardness of North American life. I feel like socially, that culture is so.. awkward and disjointed. People are disconnected, and life often feels shallow. It's like my senses are increasingly being numbed the longer I am there. And as someone who originates from a high watt, intense, rich culture... I feel like my spirit has been heavily crushed by life in the glorious first world. It's nice to be able to recover some of it while I am here. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR AWKWARD HERE!
One more thing I'd like to admit to is dealing with my commitment issues. I'm not a long-term anything kind of person. I can be in the moment as long as it's a transient one. Any project I take on, I like for it to be relatively brief, intense, challenging, and lastingly rewarding. Unrealistic? Definitely. I always readily move on to the next thing, the next trip, the next job. And with a gig like this, where challenges abound and are in your face (and there's no getting away), sometimes I have the urge to contemplate being elsewhere, counting down until I'm doing something else. Even being fully comfortable and somewhere familiar is something I often miss. But I've become aware of the pattern at this stage in my life, and it's interesting to see my mental state shift. Whereas before I would often waste time on wishing I was somewhere else, now I can generally halt those thoughts and marinate in the moment. There is so much to learn when you tell your brain to shut up for a second.
I could try to talk about my trip around Botswana and
Zimbabwe two weeks ago. But I won’t. Words will never convey it satisfyingly. I’ll
just say that it changed my life, and that if I died today it wouldn’t be so
bad because I got to see and feel unimaginably beautiful things. Of my considerable travels,
nothing parallels Africa (though Montenegro will always be my number one love). Perhaps I’ll upload some pictures but even they are
frustratingly weak depictions of what it felt like to stand on the edge of the
world's largest waterfall, breathing in its moisture and feeling it absorb into
my skin. Or how my heart stopped and my whole body petrified in excitement when
I saw a family of elephants roaming around in their natural habitat in Kasane,
the north of Botswana.
So there it is. I think I did (surprisingly) well in cohesively
drawing together the major things I wanted to share about my life here one
month in, even if it is ridiculously long. I considered not attempting it at all because I figured no one wants
to read that much about experiences which aren’t personally relevant to them.
But I figure, if I don’t put it down on paper, it stays forever just in my
memory. And my memory is shitty as all hell.
Who knows, maybe these blogs will be of some use to someone
some day.
Thank you to whoever reads them,
It helps me feel not so alone and crazy in this gargantuan
cosmos. I've said that before, and I truly mean it. I appreciate every ounce of support I've received!
love,
Milena
here, just for the hell of it
I can still feel the voltage of 2 million liters of water per second pumping and vibrating through the earth
